I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
