I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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