My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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