I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
