Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
