just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?