if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
high people should be assigned attendants
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
