Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
