I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
