Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
