you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
