I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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