My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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