Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
