I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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