don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
4 words: hood of his car
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
