Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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