i love accidental penises.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize