Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
