community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
