My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he shaved USA in his pubs
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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