Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I currently don't understand fingers.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
