I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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