I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
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Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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