Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
