I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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