Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
