I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
