you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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