Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
