Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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