oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
