if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
