If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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