if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
