things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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