It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
