I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
