are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
