I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
