DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
