My cat gives me a boner
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
