I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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