Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
40s are totally the cure
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
