It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
