I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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