your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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