airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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