i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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