chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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