you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
