I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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