I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
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When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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